


All I want for Christmas is you

by maartynqa



Category: The Centricide (Webseries)
Genre: Christmas Fluff, Confessions, Idiots in Love, Internalized Homophobia, Love Letters, M/M, Romance, Tearjerker, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:48:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27391474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maartynqa/pseuds/maartynqa
Summary: Nazi has a stable life, friends, and his love life has never been better. Just when he thinks love is within his reach, tragedy strikes.An alternative version of episode 8.
Relationships: Nazi/Homonationalist
Comments: 4
Kudos: 23





	All I want for Christmas is you

**Author's Note:**

> My pathetic first attempt at romance. Enjoy.

The International Union of Nationalists was slowly turning from a worldwide organization that unites ideologies, to a discussion club, with occasional tea parties. However ridiculous this was, everyone kept attending, each of them for their own reason. Christian Conservative had nothing to do with his time, so he figured he might as well spend it socializing with like-minded individuals. 

Pan-Africanist seemed to actually enjoy the meetings for what they were- he hadn’t had any friends before, and even if he still wouldn’t dare call the other nationalists his friends, there was hope, lingering in his heart. He was the first to suggest having tea, but Homonationalist had taken up the duty of preparing it for the next sittings. The solidarity that had formed between them and the strange bond that was sure to remain unbroken finally made him feel a part of something, and he wouldn’t give that up for anything.

Moderate Lee was supposedly looking for any excuse to escape, but the more time he spent with the nationalists, the less he wanted to leave. They even reminded him of the centrists sometimes, and it wasn’t like he had anywhere to go. He could return to the Overton Window, but there would be no one awaiting him there. Even the Radical Centrist disappeared. He just left one day, without an explanation, which was understandable for Moderate- he didn’t deserve one. Despite this, he had a feeling he might find out soon enough. The front had been silent ever since, and Lee knew it couldn’t have been because Radical had given up- he wouldn’t, not when he was so close to victory. 

It wasn’t hard to guess the Homonationalist’s reasons for attendance- his interest in Nazi hadn’t faded at all after the grand failure of the Centricide, quite the contrary. Allowing him to join the Union only made him believe that there is a special place for him in Nazi’s heart, and he wasn’t exactly wrong. While the man himself would never admit it, he grew lonely over time, and in the world of personified ideologies, heteronormativity was an utterly unrealistic concept. It was true that the Homonationalist seemed to interpret everything in his own way- usually one connected to Nazi, which was hardly a surprise. It was inconceivable to him how their relationship actually progressed to a level deeper than any of those with Nazi’s, as he liked to call them, compatriots. 

Yet there he was, clearly allowing the Homofascist to see things he wouldn’t allow anyone else to see. Everything has changed between them. The way the Homonationalist spoke to him was clearly different- their interactions went from one-sided attempts at flirting, relentlessly rejected by the other, to a mutual exploration of their feelings. 

Homonationalist seemed to understand, and stopped pushing him to confessions. This also got him thinking, if the man actually knew what was going on inside of his head. Would that be for the better, or for worse? He didn’t know. He didn’t know anything. 

Nazi’s reason for attendance?  
He still believed. 

Despite countless acts that went against his ideology, the very culmination of his being, he believed. And that was what kept him from falling apart in the first place. The thought of collapsing into the void, when people stop believing, was a strong motivation. He saw it happen again and again, to his allies, to his enemies, and to ones he did not care about. It scared him beyond anything, it made him desperately cling to his ideology, unable to accept his true identity. 

And there he was, wondering how much Homonationalist actually knew. After all this time they spent together, all the longing glances over tea, and carefully evasive confessions in the open, he must have revealed more than he needed. No uneasiness ensued, as he comfortably lifted the veil and let the Homofascist get closer to him. 

After they rearranged the meeting room, they were sitting right next to each other. In this closeness, once or twice a week, they could enjoy their own company, the still unseen feelings, and the sweet aroma of hibiscus tea. Their faces bore the same exact expression every time, that the other nationalists would never know the meaning of. From time to time, they took a step further- gently tucking a loose strand of hair behind the other’s ear, holding hands underneath the table, or even an occasional kiss on the cheek just after the others left the room. 

Displays of pure affection, showing that the interest wasn’t mere sexual lust, deprived of feelings, but a warm, sweet type of selfless love. 

Nazi wished that happened more often, but would never say so out loud, still claiming his moral superiority. But Homonationalist was patient and kind- he never asked for him to voice his desires, he just knew. Nazi’s lack of concern by this was driven by his trust towards the man. Trust that had developed in mere weeks, still being the strongest bond Nazi formed in his entire life. He let himself slip into the Homofascist’s embrace, more and more oblivious of the consequences of abandoning his ideology. He wasn’t afraid anymore, letting all of his feelings run wild, not holding back this unquenched desire to be loved and to love back. He learned to appreciate these subtly romantic gestures, his previous mindlessly violent personality fading away, to be replaced by understanding. 

At first wallowing in self-hatred, he was now free. The feeling of guilt had disappeared, leaving only more room for him to love. And that he did, promising himself to never let his old self return again. 

The evening was blissfully quiet, and the sun had begun its descent about fifteen minutes ago. Nazi was on his way to the Union’s Headquarters, lost in thoughts. He found a note on his doorstep that day, along with a bouquet of red carnation flowers. The note was very long and written using heavy purple prose, but he couldn’t deny the effort put into conveying a simple message: "Come to the courtyard tomorrow evening, and I will make my confession." 

His heart twitched in pain, torn in two. "Isn’t it too soon?"  
Wouldn’t it always be this way? The thought of finally clearing away all doubts made him thrilled and anxious at the same time. Was he ready to admit to himself that everything he believed in was a lie? As much of an exaggeration as that was, it weighed heavy on him, the thought of death circling around him staying in the back of his head for the rest of the day. "It’s fine.", he told himself. He was desperate to express his feelings as well, even if it meant death. 

He could already imagine how it would be like to leave everything behind, and begin a new life, away from the judgement and their own confines. 

Homonationalist would show up at his doorstep the day before Christmas Eve, carrying heavy bags, slightly flushed with his beautiful hair disheveled and covered in snow.  
-The landlord kicked me out.- He would explain, before Nazi had a chance to ask. Nazi would roll his eyes playfully, his heart growing with excitement, as he invited his love inside. 

They would hang the Christmas lights together, decorate the tree and maybe even invite the other nationalists for the festive dinner. Announce their happiness to everyone. Be whoever they wanted to be. 

He would wake up the next day, holding the person he loved in his arms. Ready to take on the entire world, as long as he could feel the Homonationalist’s hand in his own. 

“Is that what love is?” he thought to himself. It was all within his reach now. After this evening, he would become the happiest person in the world. All that was standing between him and love was the meeting. In just two hours, everything would fall into place.

The meeting was going as usual. The tea was already on the table when he arrived, served in the most beautiful set they had, and Homonationalist looked exceptionally pretty. The atmosphere was almost festive, which could be attributed to the fact that Christmas was to be coming in two weeks. Everyone quieted down for a moment as he entered and prepared for his presentation. That day’s was supposed to be about how they could use widely celebrated events, such as the upcoming Christmas Eve, to their own advantage. The air felt light and joyful, as the other nationalists merrily chatted among each other. Only him and Homonationalist seemed unusually silent and aflutter. 

At that moment, everything was fine. In the next second, the room went completely dark, as metal blinds went down, covering the windows. Emergency lockdown mode had been initiated. The nationalists were looking around in fear and confusion. That was the first time something like this happened- did the system malfunction, or were they in danger? Nazi knew more about how the security worked, compared to the others, so he was able to deduce what caused this. The system was designed to detect territorial threats, so if someone set foot on their property. It could also be triggered manually. The room was shrouded in complete darkness, the only source of light being the computer screen. 

-Stay calm, everyone.- Nazi lowered his hand, and quickly approached the interface.-  
-This is probably nothing serious. Someone must have walked in through the gate.- He was talking more to himself than the others, but it seemed to help. 

Before he could as much as touch the screen, the blinds sprung back up, and the system turned off. Behind them, the sound of someone hitting against the door tore through the dense silence. No one moved. No one spoke.

The door shook again. Nazi raised his hands in a calming gesture.  
-We’ll be alright. Whatever it is, it will probably go away in a moment...- He was positive that it wouldn’t, but avoiding panic was crucial.-  
-As long as you follow orders, everything will be fine.- The Christian Conservative clasped his hand together and started praying, and Moderate Lee was eyeing the window, as if planning his escape. Expecting them to follow orders was probably just wishful thinking at this point. 

A dreadful silence hung in the air, only to be broken by the sound of the door breaking down after the third hit. 

-Centrists detected. Eradicate.- An emotionless, monotonous voice rang out. 

-We’re not centrists, we’re nationalists!- corrected the Panafricanist, who sat the closest to the door. The Impossible Ideologist did not seem to care to answer. 

He reached out for Panafricanist, with his clawed hand. Before anyone could intervene, Impossible Ideology’s claws sunk deep into his flesh, tearing it apart. A dark liquid ran through his veins, mingling with his blood and turning it an inky shade of black. The nationalists were still frozen in place, except for Nazi, who was frantically tapping the screen, hoping to activate the defense systems. 

Panafricanist fell to the ground, writhing in pain, as his agonized screams filled the room. After a moment, that felt like eternity, he stood back up.  
"Centrists detected. Eradicate."

Moderate jumped up from his chair and retreated towards the window, Christian Conservative stayed in his seat, and Homonationalist... He was looking right at Nazi, with a sad smile adorning his face, and tears forming in his eyes. 

-Run.- He whispered, approaching Nazi, and placing one final kiss on his lips. Before Nazi could reciprocate, he pulled away and ran towards the former Panafricanist, that was now blocking the entrance. The Impossible Ideologist had caught Moderate Lee, and pinned him to the floor. Homonationalist jumped at Panafricanist, knocking him down and away from the door. Nazi made a run for it. 

He threw the love of his life one last glance. At that moment, time seemed to freeze. There was no need to be running, he was safe, he could tell by the look in Homonationalist’s eyes that everything was going to be alright. He was smiling, happy to let go of his life in such a way. Was this meant to happen? Was he never going to hear the long-awaited confession? Did he need to hear it? 

Homonationalist closed his eyes, wincing in pain, and everything returned to reality. Nazi sprinted out of the room, and run down the stairs, leaving behind the gruesome scene he had witnessed. The last thing he heard were Moderate’s desperate pleas for mercy, and a quiet, trembling voice:  
"I love you."

*

Did he really hear it, or was it his imagination, in a final attempt to calm him? There was no time to think then, not when a moment of hesitation could cost him his life. He found himself reliving that memory over and over after returning home. "This is what he would have wanted", that was how Nazi justified his cowardly escape. 

The flowers had already withered, leaving behind nothing but pathetic, frail stems, remnants of leaves and petals. He never threw them out. Slow realization that he would have to do it eventually crept up on him in the passing weeks. That bouquet and the note were the only things he had left, and he couldn’t even be sure if they had really belonged to the person he truly loved. Because of his reservations and foolish pride, he was now left with nothing but a few wilted flowers and a crumpled up note.

Looking back, he felt nothing but shame, guilt, and self resentment. Every decision he made at that time seemed so wrong, like it wasn’t him who had made it. It soon dawned on him, that perhaps it was his old self, that dictated them. The person he promised to never become again. This made him feel even more guilty. Had he not lost his composure, he could have saved the Homonationalist. Maybe even Moderate Lee. As much as that went against his ideology, he was also to blame for the Panafricanist’s demise. There was no hope for redemption. 

He stayed in for two weeks, as was eventually running low on supplies. Locked away in the place he wouldn’t even call his home anymore. It was just a house to him, which was ridiculous- Homonationalist had never been there, and now he never would. Perhaps all the fantasies he had made it feel right for him to be here? Nazi knew he would have to exit and face the world eventually, and that moment was approaching at a merciless pace. 

He had no idea what could be happening outside. He hasn’t watched the news or listened to the radio since Homonationalist’s death, so no information whatsoever reached him. There could be an apocalypse going on, and he wouldn’t realize. 

That grim thought accompanied him, as he was putting on his coat, getting ready to go outside. He would just get what he needed and return to the house. He wouldn’t have to talk to anyone. Avoiding any human contact may not have been a good way of dealing with his grief, but he wasn’t about to open up to anyone. He would never do that again. He would never love someone the way he loved Homonationalist. That grave pledge was the only thing that kept him from ending his life. 

Exiting the house, he noticed something strange. The neighborhood was usually lively and full of people, and now there was no one to be seen. Not even those annoying children that were always running around and destroying everything they could get their hands on. Their parents would invite someone over every day, and sit on the porch all day, like they didn’t have to go to work. Now, the porch was empty. 

Maybe they moved out while he was away? Or someone had gotten sick? Nazi decided to pay it no mind, and ventured into the town, after double-checking if the door was locked. He didn’t want to leave it open if there was really something going on. 

The main street was also empty. Not a single person in sight. He tried to keep quiet, to not draw potential enemies to his location, so when he had accidentally kicked an empty can, he froze in place, waiting for something to show up. Nobody came, so he hurried to the shop, nervously looking over his shoulder every time he thought he had heard something. 

Unsurprisingly, there were also no people in the shop. He took some supplies and exited through the shattered window, careful not to hurt himself in doing so. Surviving in this post-apocalyptic world shouldn’t be hard, since he had access to pretty much anything, but why would he want to survive? What was the point? 

He left the supplies at his door, growing more and more confident that there really was no one left in the vicinity. Even if they were stolen, he could always get more, and he would know that there is someone near him. He turned right and walked down the Ending Way. 

It was a dangerous area, known for its steep chasms that became a mass grave for suicides. He didn’t know why he was headed there. Some walked through, because the landscape was beautiful, or to prove their bravery, but rumors of the supernatural were enough to scare off most, himself included. 

Nazi never believed in the supernatural, but he had an irrational fear of heights, so he avoided the path at all costs. Why was he headed there now? He knew full well what would happen if he looked down- he would probably end up at the bottom of the chasm, since the only protection against falling was a warning sign at the beginning of the path. It was foolish of him, especially at a time like this.

He couldn’t deny that it was truly beautiful. The forest was enveloped in mist, and wonderfully silent. It wasn’t the kind of silence he was forced to endure for the past weeks- it was calming, even hypnotizing. Serenity was something he hasn’t experienced for weeks now. He spent his time reliving the fateful day that had made his life hell. Not intentionally, but there was something pleasant about drowning in the his own sorrow, something that exposed his weakness and other things that he had hoped would never come to light. The more he thought about it, the more he understood, that there was nothing he could do. He planned revenge on the ones that brought this upon him, but didn’t even know who to target. There was no one here. 

Thinking about his own guilt and revenge was endurable. After the first few times, it has gotten completely painless, unlike the other thoughts crossing his mind. Thoughts of Homonationalist, that caused a sharp, blinding pain in his chest. Not the regret of failing to save him, but the feeling of emptiness that has overtaken him after going through the first stages of grief. All the futures he imagined that would never become true, flashing through his mind were like daggers, cutting his already bleeding heart. 

He could have saved the world. 

He could have been so happy.

Now, everything was in ruin, and there was no one to blame but himself.

He just wanted to talk to someone, he just wanted to hear that he wasn’t alone, that everything would be fine.  
"I would be better off if I died with him."  
Everything was simpler once. Now he had nothing to hold dear, no one to love.

-There’s no reason to cry, Nazi. You will see each other in the afterlife.- That was Conservative’s voice. Had he somehow survived? Nazi turned around, trying to identify where the voice was coming from. He was still alone.-  
-I’m not real, Nazi. But I am certain that you will be happy when you die.- He was so hopeless. Having heard voices inside his head, it became clear that he descended into complete insanity.

-I don’t worship the christian god, but I am certain my deity will bring you happiness after death. You lived an honorable life.- The Panafricanist.  
-Well... it cannot be that bad... I’m sure everything will be just fine, you’ll see each other soon enough, regardless of which god is real...- Even Moderate Lee. Only one nationalist hasn’t spoken yet, and the mere thought of what he might say made his heart ache. 

He was there. He was standing on the misty path, more beautiful than ever. His porcelain skin glimmered in the early sun, his dark hair was smooth as silk, and his sky blue eyes were welling up with tears. The vivid image made Nazi remember everything he loved about the man. 

Was he going to say the same? Was he going to tell Nazi to kill himself? Nazi wanted to call out to him, but Homonationalist turned around and walked away, deeper into the forest. Nazi followed, nearly tripping over every tree root that blocked the way, frantically dodging branches while trying to keep his eyes on the Homofascist. 

And then, at the edge of a chasm, he stopped. That was the end. His own subconscious had brought him here, and he knew how dangerous it was to follow. 

-Please...- This has been the first time Nazi uttered this word in a genuine way.

-I don’t know what to do. Tell me.- He took a step closer. Homonationalist smiled through the veil of tears.  
-I don’t want this, Nazi. I don’t want you to be hurt.- Did he mean the pain of suicide, or the one caused by life?  
-I am hurt. Only death can cure me.- He said, without hesitation. He took another step.  
-I miss you, Nazi. Nothing can free me from my pain. Imagine how happy we could be...- Another step towards the cliff.-  
-...even if the afterlife isn’t real, anything is better than this, right? Your suffering can end. We can be together again. Remember, I will always be there, waiting for you.

Suddenly, he was alone again, standing at the very edge of the chasm. Looking down. He was looking down at the bottomless pit of despair, and yet it gave him more hope than anything had before. His dread faded away, replaced by a calming tranquility. He knew what to do, if he wanted to see his loved one again. One last thought ran through his mind.

"I hope Christian Conservative was right."


End file.
